Slow Motion Punch

I have this recurring dream. The sequence of events is never the same, but the theme repeats itself over and over. I’m in a situation where someone is trying to harm me. I must fight them, but every time I try and throw a punch, my arm moves in slow motion. Not the entire scene, just my arm.

I have no power when I need it the most, I can’t defend myself. It’s like I’m paralyzed by fear.

I’ve been troubled by this dream for years, with no understanding of what it means.

It’s been on my mind often lately, but the dots are starting to connect, and I’ve been tracing it back to its origins.

When I was in junior high school, I was near some tennis courts in my neighborhood with a friend when a kid I didn’t recognize came up to me and accused me of stealing his Tennis ball. I had no idea what he was talking about, and I certainly didn’t have his ball. He kicked my bike over, and I told him I didn’t want any trouble. Eventually, I walked away from that confrontation, feeling small and defeated. For a couple of years after that, whenever I was out in the neighborhood, I watched for that kid, because I wanted to avoid another confrontation with him. I feared him. I didn’t stick up for myself.

There was another time that a guy that I thought was my friend chased me down after school and tackled me to the ground. He was a lot stronger than me, he pinned me down and drew all over my face with a felt marker. I laughed and played along with it genuinely thinking it was funny. I thought he was a cool guy and that we were friends. I really wanted him to like me, he was tough, kind of a rebel. He was never really my friend though, was he? A friend wouldn’t do that, and it’s not like he was calling me on the weekend to hang out anyway. In hindsight, it turns out he was a thug, and I’m not sure what I thought was so cool about him anyway.

In my late twenties, I was at a house party with a friend. I found myself separated from her, sitting on a couch with a crowd of people I didn’t know. I was really drunk. One of the guys sitting near me accused me of sitting too close to his wife. I responded with some smart-ass comment, and before I know it, one of those guys hit me in the back of the head and I hit the ground. I got up quick, and I made my way to the door to make a swift exit as they gave chase. I didn’t even have time to get my shoes. My cellphone was dead. I walked barefoot to a busy street and flagged down a cab to drive me home.

There’s a trend here amongst my responses to these types of altercations… It’s obvious, do you see it? I walked away at times when it was critical to stand up for myself. I gave my power away and searched for shelter. I ducked out the back door instead of walking past the smoke into the unknown. How could I know what’s past the unknown if I never walk into it?

Fire breathing dragons live in the smoke, but what’s beyond that? If I’m willing to fight the dragons, then what lies behind the smoke is possibility, an endless loop of possibility. It could be win or loss, but by remaining on the familiar side of the smoke and staying where it’s safe, I managed to marry myself to a somewhat purposeless life of blending in and trying not to ruffle too many feathers. I aimed for likeable instead of respected. I found feelings of lack instead of abundance. I settled for average instead of extraordinary. I made a choice not to believe in myself.

The literal fear of losing those physical fights translates into a figurative fear of losing many of the nonphysical fights I’ve faced in my life. It’s letting bad debts accumulate. It’s following a career path that doesn’t leave me feeling fulfilled or purposeful. It’s making judgements of people instead of opening my heart and trying to understand them better. It’s listening to my head instead of my heart. It’s softening my opinion on things I feel strongly about to preserve the comfort of those whom I disagree with. It’s allowing circumstances to direct my life, instead of deciding the circumstances of my life.

The slow-motion punch represents every time I gave my power away, or ignored it, or thought it wasn’t there. But it’s always there, and it’s a choice to call on it, or to let it hide in the background. Maybe this is a lofty goal, but what if some day, I could have one of those dreams, but instead of the slow-motion punch, the punch flies faster than I can see it, and it lands with precision. The hyper speed punch…

The hyper speed punch doesn’t stand for literally causing harm to someone. It stands for taking my power and focusing it on the results that I really desire in my life. It stands for not settling for an unfulfilling, life, career, or relationships. It stands for having a cause that is noble and pure. It stands for letting love lead the way, following my heart instead of my head, and creating a legacy that I will be proud to leave behind some day in the future when I take my last breaths.

The mighty Oak grows from the tiny acorn. The smallest of ideas can transform into dreams fulfilled, if only we were all willing to have faith in ourselves. I start by loving myself, and with that, my journey of self discovery continues. Some day, I’ll have that dream again, the one where I feel threatened by someone who wants to hurt me. And I’ll throw that punch. But that punch will connect, at hyper speed.

Ask yourself, are you throwing slow motion punches too? Please don’t allow your old fears to rob you from the incredible life that you were born to live.

The best time to change was yesterday, the next best time is right now. And if you’re feeling stuck, please reach out to me, because we are all in this together.