The shadow casts over me…
Today, something that I thought I had planned perfectly goes awry. My spouse says one harmless thing that triggers me and results in an angry reaction for a reason that I cannot even pinpoint. My son defies me by wrestling with me while laughing hysterically instead of just simply washing his hands at the sink like I asked him to. I check my bank account and realize that I’ve avoided banking for so long that I’ve drawn past my overdraft, and I forgot to pay the Visa, as well as the utility bill. The list of potential triggers is endless, somewhat predictable, but in other ways, infinitely unpredictable.
The shadow casts over me…
That perfectly executed day, where everything works in my favor and completely delights me has once again eluded. The sun is no longer shining on my face, the sky is falling, how will I ever be able to salvage this? Why did I not see this coming? This is impossible. I didn’t deserve it anyway. I wish I would have stayed in bed today. It’s someone else’s fault, but not mine. I know those thoughts well, and the anxiety takes root in the pit of my stomach. It’s here to tell me, “Today is not your day. You will not find balance here, so stop looking for it. Give into your fear, there’s nothing here for you, you are what you are, and you’ve grown as much as you ever will, so quit trying. Just quit you fool.”
This thought process is bullshit, and I recognize that it is bullshit. However, it’s never far away. It hides in the closet, waiting for an opportunity to slide open the door and remind me of all the possibilities and exactly why they are impossible for me. I am armed with the tools to persevere over these destructive thought processes, but it’s a matter of my own awareness and willingness to take conscious action in order to defeat them.
I am a student. I am grateful for the challenges that I face. Without challenges there is no growth, and where no growth exists, death moves in. I’m not willing to spend the rest of my years just waiting to die. But maybe in the past that’s exactly what I was doing, even though I was unaware, I was just barreling through life, waiting to die. What’s the hurry to get to the end?
If only I could just get out of my own way.
There are always choices that need to be made. It’s an epic three-way battle between who I was, who I am, and who I’m striving to be. It can be volatile inside my head, a few misguided steps and I can veer off into the wrong neighborhood, and suddenly, guns are firing, bombs are dropping, and I’ve found myself in an all-out war zone. This is chaos for me, it’s my worst nightmare. The pain that I am capable of creating inside of my own psyche can feel unbearable at times.
I’m grateful for it all, and here’s where it gets interesting. I’ve tried a lot of things in my life to try and seek shelter from the chaos inside of my mind. Alcohol, anti-depressants, sleeping pills, sex, counselling, psychedelics, meditation, playing the victim, the list goes on. Some have been helpful; some have been destructive. This is all just one big experiment anyway. I’m the lab rat. So are you. We all are.
Here’s where I’ve arrived. Are my emotions controlling me, or am I controlling my emotions?
When my emotions are controlling me, I’m being consumed. When I’m controlling my emotions, I’m in a state of creating. Creating makes me feel purposeful. I like that feeling, I want to stay there as much as possible… So, what I’m really talking about here is being able to control my emotional state.
Controlling my emotional state is separate from controlling my thoughts. I don’t believe that any of us really have full control of our thoughts. For instance, as I write this article tonight, I’m making a conscious choice to do so. I am in fact, determined to get this done, it’s important to me. However, something keeps popping into my mind, it’s the thought that I really wish I had some dark chocolate right now. I can ignore it, minimalize it and not let it get in my way, but regardless it’s a thought that keeps intruding on what I’m really trying to focus on. It’s a distracting thought. Also, I understand why that thought is happening, but the explanation requires the writing of entirely different article from this one.
Now, I may not have full control over what I think about, but I can assure you that with practice, I have become increasingly effective at controlling what things mean to me, and the emotions that I attach to them.
I credit two teachers for my progress in this area, The one and only Tony Robbins, and the perhaps lesser known, but equally brilliant, Dr. Joe Dispenza. These guys have very different methodologies, but as I continue to blend them together as needed, things only get more and more amazing for me, and I find myself making more progress towards where I really want to go.
Now maybe you never had a negative thought, and you’ve already accomplished all your goals, and lived out all your dreams. Really, your life must be boring now. If that’s you, then I’m surprised that you’ve read as far as you have. You should stop, there’s nothing for you here. But if within you, there is room for improvement, then here is a simple process for pulling yourself out of a negative emotional reaction.
I have a simplified technique for finding my way back to myself when my emotions start to veer towards the negative, towards the dark side, where I don’t want to live. This is really a hybrid blend of several methods that I have picked up along the way, with a heavy Tony Robbins influence. With some adjustments, I have simplified it for myself, because I find it easy to remember and effective when I most need it.
Remember, the first step here is awareness, it’s always awareness. You must be aware of what thoughts are entering your mind, and what emotions you are feeling. The more you practice being aware of these things, the better the counter measures will work!
Now here’s how I’ve set this up for myself:
I have two core beliefs that I have consciously designed. I use these as a tool to remain in a positive mindset as often as possible. These two beliefs are there to remind me that I can overcome any challenge that stands before me. They keep me wired for success, always seeking solutions instead of excuses.
- I have unlimited resources.
- I can solve any problem with creativity.
These two beliefs keep my mind in a state of thinking beyond the obvious, or even beyond my sense of reason. No incredible ideas are born from reason, I encourage you to think bigger than that. Reason is there to keep you safe, and it’s valuable when it comes to your physical safety. But when it comes to thinking big, and aiming for big goals, listening to what keeps you safe can prevent you from taking any action at all. Analysis Paralyisis…
I also have five elevated emotions that I have determined to be the most effective, and empowering states that I can possibly be in. When I’m in these states, I feel love for myself, I feel empowered, purposeful and unlimited in my potential. In short, I get shit done when I’m here.
For ease of remembering, I refer to them as OPCIG.
- Optimistic
- Playful
- Creative
- Inspired
- Grateful
I wear a rubber band on my wrist. When I’m practicing awareness and I start to feel myself spiraling into a negative emotional state such as anger, frustration, sadness, anxiousness or depression, I grab that rubber band with my fingers, and I snap it against my wrist. This is literally using physical pain to trigger and program myself to leverage my core beliefs and elevated emotions in whatever way I need to in order to pull myself out of those negative emotional patterns and back into a state of elevated emotions.
By no means am I suggesting that feeling negative emotions is a bad thing, or unacceptable, or shameful. Feelings are part of human nature, every one of them. I’m simply suggesting that it’s best to think about why you feel them, accept them for what they are, and then focus on creating solutions so that you don’t linger there. The best version of you sprouts from a state of elevated emotion, that is where you will find the most fulfillment, enjoyment, love, and vitality. This is the basis of many books that have been written over many decades, it’s not an idea that I invented myself.
For most of my adult life I can remember lingering in long states of depression, anxiety, sadness, anger, resentment, fear and so on. These states robbed me of joy, and they robbed joy from people around me that I loved, as I sponged energy from them, expecting that maybe, someone, or some thing outside of me would take responsibility for whatever it is that I needed to deal with myself. I have the power within me to overcome this, and so do you. You must believe you do, and you must believe in easy techniques like these, and you must commit to practicing them, even when you don’t want to, because sometimes, sulking is much easier. Being a victim is much easier. Sulking and playing the victim require much less conscious effort, they are passive, but in the background, they drain your energy without your awareness, much like apps left open on your phone.
I don’t always get this right, I have bad minutes, bad hours and bad days, but I take control, and I turn things around more efficiently than ever before. My life has become an experiment in personal growth, and I’m excited as I watch the amazing things that I once just considered unattainable dreams start to become realities. I’m on a much different course since I started experimenting with things like these. And if you ever feel trapped, or out of control like I do sometimes, there is hope and progress to be found in giving this a try. Open your mind to the possibilities that come from controlling your emotions, instead of letting your emotions control you.
So, my question to you is, are you controlling your emotions, or are your emotions controlling you?
Take the time to think about and practice the following steps:
- Write out two positive core beliefs to draw power and motivation from. Memorize them immediately or keep them in a place where you will see them regularly until you do memorize them.
- Determine, and write out the five elevated states that you would absolutely love to be in all the time if you had complete control over your environment. Again, memorize them, or keep them in a place where you will see them regularly until you do memorize them. Disclaimer, you will never have complete control over your environment, stuff is going to catch you off guard, but you’ve got this!
- Get a beautiful, not too tight, but not too loose rubber band for your wrist. It must hurt just a little when you snap it. Get a bunch of them, because they are going to stretch out, and get dirty as you start to use this technique more, so you’re going to have to rotate them out regularly.
- Practice awareness of your thoughts, and your emotions.
Over time, you won’t need the band anymore, your mind will be programmed to follow this process, and with diligence, you will become much more effective at maintaining a positive emotional state. The key here is awareness, and practice. It will become more natural with practice.
Believe in yourself!